YEZALIENDIEX

Da blog
MY ART COMMS ARE OPEN !!! I wanna make money for myself and buy new clothes but mainly my actual goal is to just buy presents for people on christmas. And some few presents for myself too y'know. Add me on my discord if you are interested ! It would be very highly muchly whatever-ly appreciated. Commission sheet ↓ I know this looks WAY FAR from my actual artstyle but I'm just testing the waters. And I like this artstyle too that I just hide a lot, so I'm using it. Posted on 2:08 pm, 20/11/23
Oops I died I haven't updated this site for a bit coz of school, not because I'm busy, but because I took a break from it. And so I wanted to just stop fucking around with this site a bit too, nothing much happened and I'm still feeling the same. School's back already though but I'm sure christmas break will start soon too I hope, I don't wanna study or do anything I just want to do whatever pleases me. Also I created a video in like two days and uploaded it to my Youtube channel that's slowly decaying and losing subscribers C - C - C - C_NT.mov Posted on 1:24 pm, 06/11/23
More sounds !!! This was fun. I didn't really plan it out and just went crazy with it. Ain't that loud enough for me though but it works .. I started this yesterday night, fell asleep and continued it just now while drinking milk. If ya wanna hear it listen to it FAGS AND FECES.m4a (Yes that is the title of the song.) Posted on 5:39 pm, 28/10/23
I disappeared here for a bit I didn't really want to write anything here because I know I'll just end up pouring out too much information about how mentally fucked I am, yeah I know I can write whatever the hell I want here but I'm very paranoid about what people will think about it and what they'll do with those info bout me, but who cares. No one's readin these. But I'm still gonna be very self conscious. Nothing interesting has been happening to my life lately, everything is pretty much the same and I just feel the same. Kinda .. and I feel like I'm just gonna start ranting about my problems here again so I'm going to stop and talk about anotha thing I tried creating some tunes without a guitar, I didn't really know what I was doing but I was having a bit of fun and it sounds interesting to me...I wanna continue it more but I'm not smart enough when it comes to creating music and I was just experimenting with sounds the whole time, I mean .. that's how you create music. You can listen to it here. It's short, it just repeats, it doesn't really have any sorta meaning and it's up to you on what it means. I don't really want to create music with a deep meaning and well written lyrics with a buncha fancy words, I just wanna express some shit off my mind and convert it into sounds instead of fuckass words. But I'm not entirely against writing lyrics..I've written a few before. Posted on 7:23 am, 27/10/23
Still sick but new website !!! Started this yesterday night out of boredom, always wanted to do this honestly to show some of my love for Lost Sounds, I know I don't have an audience here but if you're somehow reading this then check it out !! Not yet done and still gotta add some stuff to it but it's functional and cool lookin, I'm likin it. Here's what the site looks like. Also was getting bored of putting too much on this site that's all just about me, it makes me feel like I'm some sort of narcissist, also wanted to try out some new style and challenge myself more even though that website looks way more simple than this one. I'm not really sure if I should create a second page to it or not, because I have no clue what to put in that second part, I could put lyrics and photos but most photos from their Myspace and old website aren't functional no mo, I mean I can dig through other old music websites and google images but they just tend to be low quality as shit. But I'll think about it. Also, here's the link for the website !! Click the rat before you enter. Posted on 5:10 pm, 13/10/23
I'm sick and I love Terror Visions I feel awful but still gotta study and stuff, but I feel much more okay than early morning but I still feel sick because I am. My nose is stuffed and my throat feels like there's spiders living in it. And my brain's pulsating faster than my heart. I love Terror Visions, probably one of my favourite things Jay has ever done, it only lasted a bit but damn I love it. Everytime I'm sad or angry and listen to that band and I feel like I'm hearing my emotions and I could just express my anger by listening to their music, and if I'm sad it distracts me from what I'm sad about and just converts my sadness into anger, like I love how loud and fast it is I love how weird some of the songs are I love how shocking it sounds sometimes, I just love it as a whole. Their whole sound is literally me, if my thoughts and problems had a sound it would sound like the whole World of Shit album, hehe. I can't really find more info about them and their myspace page is close to useless, but this part of their myspace made me laugh I've watched almost every Jay Reatard interview and he barely mentioned Terror Visions AT ALL. or I don't pay attention much .. No clue. I've read some like...written interviews but as usual he's not mentioning it, I want more info about them..I do know their sound is inspired by Nervous Gender which is also a great band but not as chaotic as Terror Visions, I honestly feel like I'm not digging deep enough even though I've looked through their myspace page a buncha times, and just find..nothing !! and the FDH records website also has barely any info about it, and Jay has barely mentioned it too on his website and only mentioned it when he's selling records of it. Also I'm curious about a certain lyric in World of Shit, the lyrics for Serve and Protect, I tried searching it up but when I read it it's mostly [ ??? ] on that website I visited, and when you listen to the song all you could understand is... "FINGER IN MY ASS" my best friend tried helping me by also looking for it's lyrics but nuh uh we found nothin. Please I hope someday I'll find more stuff about Terror Visions because I absolutely love it. Posted on 5:10 pm, 10/10/23
Oh wow monday There's school again, our classes is only like a few hours but it feels like it lasts forever, I don't even learn anything since I don't find any of our lessons interesting and it's not related to the things I'm good at and I'll forget most of these when I grew up but whatever !! I wanna drop out but nope sadly I can't, school ain't for me but still gotta do it just so I won't look dumb when I grew up...oh and also because I need a job too. I have no clue what to do for today in our classes but it's my fault I'm not listening to whatever my teacher is making us do. I never did any of our assignments except the ones that I like and don't find boring. I actually have no clue what to write here currently but I'm hungry as usual and I don't want to eat. Last time I ate I felt like I was gon vomit but I just slept through it, I'm still so sleepy, I mean just look at what time I posted my last blog and look at what the fuckin subject is ... I get weird at night..or in this case, morning. But atleast I'm not posting horny shit and I'm just fanboying over an american guitarist. Posted on 11:51 am, 09/10/23
Untitled He's so cute in this screenshot I took of that nardwuar interview he was in...god damn it I hate this world why is he no longer with us. Just. Look at HIMMM urgh. Goodnight. Posted on 4:18 am, 09/10/23
An acoustic guitar and a glass of milk I just woke up and don't really want to draw or anythin, was hungry and sad as usual but instead of just sleeping I just suddenly started playing guitar while also drinking a glass of milk, I'm trynna come up with something on my acoustic guitar for some lyrics I made that's meant for an anger driven "punk" song, am I dumbass? Yeah. I mean I could use filters to make it sound like an electric guitar and an acoustic guitar is way more fuckin louder than an electric one but the problem is I'm still a dumbass at guitar, not even CLOSE to being an amateur. But still challenging myself into doing this .. Also I tried looking for punk songs that uses an acoustic guitar instead of an electric one but the ones I found are just acoustic version of punk songs and not like .. actual acoustic punk like what I was hoping for, is that even a thing ? Like I tried to search it up on youtube and it's just fuckin .. mainstream pop punk sounding bullshit but an acoustic cover of it, and the first thing I saw was that ginger dude from fall out boy. Like man I just wanna find someone that does punk shit by using an acoustic guitar and adding filters to it to make it sound more loud and aggressive. That's what I wanna do honestly .. create """punk""" songs usin a fuckin acoustic guitar and modifying the sound since I'm too broke for an electric one, I know I could do that someday if I got more better at guitar I HOPE. Or just have an actual electric guitar .. flying v am waitin for you to fly down toward ME. If I actually got one someday first thing I'll do with it is creating a song about no longer having milk in our fridge. Yes I am serious. Posted on 4:08 am, 09/10/23
Teenage angst at it's finest ! Suicide, suicide, suicide, that's all over my mind recently, every corner of my mind is just filled with that action, but if I really did commit into that I feel like I'd leave a heavy problem for both my friends and family but atleast I'm free right ? ... I have no clue anymo. Killing myself might be a stupid decision since I just died unhappy with my problems still being unsolved and not even tasting the freedom of being an adult that can make his own decisions. I feel stupid for feeling like this, many more people deal with actual problems but then I'm here crying and whining over some stupid "problem" in my head that I'm always so paranoid about, I hate crying honestly but I'm doing that right now while typing this but I hate it, it makes me feel like I'm just some pussy bitch loser that's so self centered. I don't want to get help, but I feel like I really need to, but I don't want to try and get help anymore since I'll either grow out of this, figure it out on my own, or go 6ft underground. I mean .. I can try to get help from my friends but reading paragraphs and responding back with paragraphs just doesn't do it for me, I'm saying a lot here but never really mentioning what the fuck my problem is .. I won't even tell a vague description on what the hell it is, it's just really personal to me and really retar...stupid !!! Some few of my friends know of it, but those friends of mine either are no longer my friends anymo or we don't talk much. Honestly typing all this out makes me feel like I'm some edgy moody fuck faking depression or whatever but no I'm just desperate to be actually happy , to just feel something more than anger and sadness everyday. I probably look like one though so who cares anymore, and who the hell will read all of this other than me?...I don't know. I never tell my ma about my problems anymore since the last time I did just didn't really make me feel well, infact, it made me want to kill myself more, but I'm not blaming her...Just myself !!! I wish I can express this shit more than typing blogs, I mean yeah I can draw but I can't even visualize what I'm feeling since I suck at mental imaging. I didn't realize I was scratching my wrists that has recent cuts, now they hurt too much. Anyway imaginary audience, I'll continue on spacing out to Jay's music while fantasising about being in a show of his !!! Posted on 5:26 pm, 08/10/23
Irl friends I don't have any irl friends at the moment that I hang out with, my classmates that I've only seen twice doesn't really count to me since they live like 2 hours away from me and we're not all close and friendly to one another and have never hung out together. Honestly I don't really want any of them to be my friend, I hate everyone in our class. But it does feel lonely sometimes. I talk to just one girl there and they're ... Okay. Sometimes they annoy me but overall she's okay, we don't talk much. I feel like half of the people in our class hasn't even heard my voice since I never unmute my mic (I'm still in onlinr classes) but I don't really want them to hear what I sound like since I feel like I'd get mocked for having an accent when speaking english + you know just how I hate myself. I had a great small friend group before but I'm not friends with them anymore because of how much of an asshole I am, I still overthink about it till this day and how if I could've just not done or said something stupid I'd still have a group of friends by my side but now I'm pretty much alone and just hoping they'll come back soon (they won't.) I already had problems before our friendship ended, and losing them just made my problems way more heavier, but I'm not blaming them since me being a pathetic bastard was the cause of all this, I regret everything I've done honestly and I just feel like I'm an asshole that won't change, there's no point for me to change anymore coz they won't come back but I'm still trying to just incase I find more friends, I don't wanna repeat the same thing but I also don't want to make new friends anymo ... I miss hangin' around with em. Long story short, I slowly started acting like an asshole because of how mentally fucked I am, lost my friends, and now am all alone, I mean I still have online friends but it's not really the same . I wish I could've done something else. It's almost a year and I still can't move on. Posted on 6:30 am, 08/10/23
Self harm I find it stupid, like why hurt yourself ? It's so useless and unreasonable and edgy and yet I still do it, haven't been doing it for 3 weeks now but that went down the drain earlier after I took a shower just coz I saw a blade, Real emo right there. They currently sting and I think I've done it too much earlier since I can still feel it even though 5 hours had passed. It's dumb that I simply can't stop myself and 3 weeks long isn't long enough, sounding real edgy I know but I don't really want to talk about this to any of my friends so I'm just spitting it out here on me blog just to feel something. I'm not telling what's the reason why I do this though, that's too personal for me to spit out here. I'm just embarrassing myself, honestly. Like I'm not even the type of self harming fuck that goes "I lIkE sEeInG mY bLoOd dRiP !!!!" The after product of what I see after cutting myself isn't cute, I don't like it, it's stupid and yet you still find yourself doing it because you're some sensitive coward. I just want this self harming habbit of mine to just pass away and I want my scars to just not be there, god fucking damn it that I've been doing this for a year now but who's to blame ? No one but me because I hate myself so much to the point where I'm slowly becoming more and more suicidal, this is probably just a teenage phase though so I don't try and find help that much. Posted on 12:12 am, 08/10/23
Jay Reatard You can pretty much tell I really like him and is a fan of him. I just find him fascinating, especially his music, both solo and the ones he did when he was still in some bands, I honestly still can't accept the fact that he's just not here anymore for over a decade now and he's just ... bones and worms. I want to visit him someday. Even though I was like only a few months old when he passed I still miss him and I actually just cry silently everytime I think about the fact that he's no mo. No new music from him or anything, he's just in peace. Like right now I'm actually tearing up typing this stupid blog out. I always think about what some other stuff he could've done if he's still here, country, metal, pop, etc ... Like damn I would do anything to hear him conquer metal, and make me like pop music, I just know if he has done pop I would like it, I like everything he made. Is it odd that sometimes I find him relatable? I don't know, I hate the word "relatable", let me rephrase that; is it odd that I see myself in him? probably. Well not really him as like a person but like .. his music, I'm not as cool as him. I do sometimes feel inspired by him when trying to write songs/just playing guitar but I just feel like I'm copying his style or whatever .. and I don't like copying people. Like this one time I sent something I made to my friends and they just told me that my way of playing sounds heavily inspired by him, I wasn't even thinking of him when I was coming up with dem tunes but okay. Tea bee eich (tbh), me wanting a flying V guitar makes me look like I'm just wanting to be a copy of him. But no I just really like how cool they look and wanted them way before I knew who Jay is. I could type more but I can't express more through words about this man. I wish he could've gotten help and continue on spewing out music, but nope the world is awful. At least he's in peace now, or wherever he is, he left us a lot and he continues on living through his music. V's to the sky ! Jay. Posted on 4:47 pm, 07/10/23
Drawing before snoozin Welp, the title basically summarizes this whole thing, a drawing I did before I go to bed, if you're my friend from spacehey and have seen me draw this man multiple times then I don't care I DRAW WHAT I LIKEEEEEEE. And I like Jay. Still on my tablet so I can't work on the drawing/bracelet showcasing pages so this drawing goes here. Spent a solid 2 - 3 hours on this, it was fun but also melting me away, not really satisfied with how it turned out. Posted on 6:15 am, 07/10/23
First blog here Everyone has a blog or had a blog, so I'm jumping in it too. But I'm way more cooler because this is my own website (I am not). The site still looks simple and boring but trust me I know it'll look more better, I'm just not feelin that creative recently to crank out cool looking shit. I got my tablet back too so I'm just gonna turn this laptop off and get right back to drawing after a week of not doing it !.. Also, those "NONE YET" links on the navigation area, am workin on em, they're gonna be some showcasing of some drawings and bracelets I made. Don't expect them to look good. Posted on 11:54 pm, 06/10/23